Love, Language, and Life: Insights from a Spouse of a Deaf Adult

Today, we’re sharing a special conversation with someone who has a unique perspective as the spouse of a Deaf adult (SODA). Ursula Heuer, wife to Dylan Heuer, has kindly opened up about their experiences, from discovering Deaf culture at a young age to learning ASL and building a life that bridges both Deaf and hearing worlds. Through their story, they highlight the joys, challenges, and everything in between that comes with being part of a Deaf-hearing relationship. Let’s dive in and hear how their journey has shaped their daily life, communication, and advocacy for the Deaf community! 

1. How did you first learn about Deaf culture and the Deaf community? Was this before or after you met your spouse? 

My first introduction to the Deaf community was through my Mom’s cousin, Gayle, and her husband who were Deaf. I met them as a kid and that planted the seed of the idea to become an interpreter. 

2. How has having a Deaf spouse impacted your daily communication style? Did you already know sign language, or did you learn it later? 

I learned ASL in college, so I knew how to sign before I met Dylan. I can’t really imagine not being able to communicate with my spouse directly in a shared language, so it is natural for us to sign or speak and sign simultaneously. 

3. What unique challenges have you faced as a SODA, especially in social or family gatherings? 

It can be challenging when we go places where we are the only people that use ASL. Even though we have agreed that I am not there to interpret for him, it can be difficult to know that Dylan is often left out because people are unwilling to put in the work to include him in conversations. In an effort to at least let him know what is being discussed, I try to sign while I speak to non-signers. It is a far from perfect approach. 

4. In what ways has your relationship grown or adapted through bridging two different communication worlds? 

Most of our adapting really happened after our son was born. We had to learn about new technologies and means by which I could get his attention. A new baby monitor system helped and we fine-tuned how we used it. I also tend to text him more if we are on different floors of our house when I need him for something rather than going to find him like I used to. 

5. How do you and your spouse handle situations where interpreters or other communication supports aren’t available? 

It depends on whether those options should have been in place and weren’t, or if it’s a situation where they are generally unavailable. We’ve had to make quick decisions in instances where we have to resort to VRI interpreters for appointments if an in person interpreter has fallen through. But in everyday public places, we have agreed that generally I don’t interpret what people are saying unless communication has broken down. Generally Dylan uses typed English on his phone to place orders at restaurants and places like that and I don’t have to get involved. 

6. What are some common misconceptions people have about Deaf-hearing relationships, and how do you respond to them? 

I suppose people think I go around interpreting everything for Dylan when we go places and that’s just not true. If I were to do that, I wouldn’t be able to participate as myself. We also share responsibilities making calls to doctors offices, daycare, and restaurants when needed. I don’t take that on just because I can make those calls without an interpreter. 

7. How has your role as a SODA influenced your perspective on accessibility and advocacy for the Deaf community? 

Being married to Dylan has greatly informed the way I interpret for students in the classroom and has given me the opportunity to share resources with them that I otherwise may not have known about. Our relationship has also put me in situations where someone is interpreting appointments or interactions for us, and it has taught me a lot about what it is like to communicate through interpreters. 

8. What would you say are the biggest benefits of having a Deaf spouse, both for yourself and for your family? 

I would say the biggest benefit to me is that it has connected me more strongly to the Deaf community. As an educational interpreter I didn’t used to find myself interacting much with the larger Deaf community. Now our family attends Deaf events when we can and I love that our son is being welcomed into that community. 

New to learning about Deaf culture and the many acronyms like SODA often used? Read our Alphabet Soup Blog to learn more!